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hey, remember what it feels like to be in love? me neither!

i spend all of my time reading atheist books now. well, that's not exactly true. i read a lot of biology books, and pretty much everything skeptical too (bigfoot/ghosts/god/aliens/homeopathy, the whole gamut of pseudoscience crap). it's wonderful to live in a natural world. i appreciate everything so much more than i ever have before. also, it's removed my unhealthy fixation on being in love and needing to be needed. i'm alone, and i'm actually really enjoying it.

i started another blog, but it's not the kind of stupid livejournal one, full of meaningless details of my life that nobody truly cares about. it's an atheism/science blog that i'm going to use to respond to claims that people make during debates i have, that i just don't have time to cover. if we've ever debated anything and i've said "that's a good point and i'd love to go into exactly why it's wrong, but i don't have the time", expect to see that conversation mentioned in this new blog. i'm writing an entry about the shroud of turin for paul right now, as it happens.

livejournal is dead. move on.
i just had this really fucked up dream that dragged up some really shitty memories. this shit isn't even relevant to my life now, but it's things that i just never had closure for, from so long ago.

i remember somewhere around the one year mark, i broke up with shannon (and shannon, i think ou're on my friends list, so sorry if you read this???) and i was going to go out with monica. now, this is a chick that i had a crush on from, like, second grade on. let me put this into perspective, this happened over the summer before i started freshman year at DC, so quite a long time ago, and, as i said, completely irrelevant to my life today. i can trace almost everything that's happened to me back to that one decision, and this isn't to say i haven't had a hell of a time getting from that point to this one, but i can't help but wonder just how different things would be now if i had just made the opposite decision than what i did.

this is seriously fucking me up, i woke up from a dream and i still can't get over the fact that my life sucks as much as it does, compared to the very minor things that were better in said dream. i really think i'm losing my mind.
i don't have anything to say about tonight. it sucked, but hey, that's life. all i can think worth sharing about it is this little excerpt from one of the new dashboard songs (widow's peak).

"we're stronger where the strain had broken us, and there is fight in us.
i know that it will take more than a heavy rain to silence us,
when there's so much for us, i know."

of course we're going to argue like we did tonight. for my part, i'm sorry.
i'm getting rid of my ds tomorrow.
it sucked the life out of me, and helped to ruin one of the most important relationships i've ever had.

on a different note:
i have no idea what we're doing.


two different situations there

Aug. 20th, 2007

killed the new lj already. recovered the password to this one, and i guess i'll keep using it.

somebody want to stab me in the throat real quick?
:)
my life is so good right now.
i love everyone in it.
and i love everything about it.
i'm making beautiful music with the whole "to a husband at war" deal,
meeting new people, and getting back in touch with old friends.
i'm just in such a good mood.
this is going to be the best summer of my life.

Apr. 22nd, 2007

i just want to know what all of the glances that we catch each other doing from across the room mean.
every time i run into you now, we talk for a second, pretend it doesn't feel weird, even though it does, and then the rest of the night we just continually catch each other staring from across the room.
i just want to know why.
from 4:00am to 6:00am this morning i layed in bed tossing and turning trying to figure it out, i couldn't sleep.
am i just crazy?
probably.
I'D RATHER GOUGE MY EYES OUT WITH A KNIFE THAN ADMIT IT,


but i miss you.

Mar. 17th, 2007

try to understand there's an old mistake that fools will make
and i'm the king of them, pushing everything that's good away.


i didn't want to move on. i fucking liked my life how it was. you shattered it. i've lost everything i had since you left. do you remember your parents cottage? the good times far outweighed the bad, even though the bad were pretty serious. i'm still not ok because of you, and you were just some stupid 17 year old girl. i need closure, or you need to drop dead.

on a brighter note, i am simply incapable of sustaining a healthy relationship!

i wish i was dead.

Mar. 17th, 2007

i need a roommate.
i'm going to look at this apartment in monroe tomorrow.
i could afford it myself, but i would really rather split it.
isuppose if worst comes to worst, they have a studio apartment for only 350 a month,
but i'd rather at least have a one bedroom.
whatev.

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