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a remarkable thing just happened.
i woke up.
i woke up while the sun was up. i didn't begrudgingly crawl out of my bed in the middle of the day with my parents yelling at me to wake up and do something with my life.
no, i just simply woke up to the sun creeping through the curtains of the only window in my room.
i didn't realize what a big deal this actually was at first, so i just did what i do every time i wake up, with a couple pretty important changes.
#1) check my phone for missed calls/texts/voicemails
#2) attempt to find the remote to the tv that has been on, even though i've been asleep for hours
#3) i stumbled into the bathroom, contemplated a shower, then decided it was too early, and walked out. but before walking out, i looked myself in the mirror. and for the first time in months now, i didn't just turn the light off with a scowl and walk away. i looked at myself, and while i can't say i was happy with what i saw, i was happy to be able to look at my reflection again without feeling complete disgust. it's something you take advantadge of until you have expirienced what it's like for your reflection to be unbearable.
#4) i walked outside while the sun was up to have a cigarette. that is something that i haven't done since even before this depression kicked in. i opened the door, and stepped outside, and breathed in the most satisfying and refreshing breath of air i've ever felt. it didn't matter that the air was so bitingly cold that it hurt my lungs, it just felt good to breathe the morning air again.

and then, i did something i haven't done in a few years. i walked back inside and made small talk with my mom. and now, i'm going to waste an hour or two playing guitar, and then i'm going to clean my room, and get started doing the things my parents have been trying to get me to do for weeks, but i've been too depressed to leave my bed to do.

there's a clincher to all of this. to be this happy, to feel this ok, i had to give up something huge inside of me. i have high hopes that one day (maybe soon), that part of me will be taken care of, but for the time being i've had to let go. i love you more than you will ever know, and that is an understatement. but for now, i think the only classy thing i can do is forget about you, and move on. you'll be ready whenever you are, and nothing i say, do, or think will change how long that takes. but i cannot sit around and wait. it's been weeks now, and the light at the end of the tunnel has only gotten dimmer, not brighter by any means. i hope, and i pray (YES, I PRAY. i'm not sure who it's to, but i don't think it matters who it's to. i believe in something, and that's good enough for me. i don't think i have to attach a label with thousands of years of bloodshed and controversy tied to it on the fact that i believe, however timid and meek of me it may be, that there is something out there that is nothing but a benevolent force in our lives, and THAT is who i pray to. so you can take your misguided, uninformed, defeatist atheism and FUCKING SHOVE IT.) that one day soon you will realize what you have done, what you've lost, what you've given up, and at that point my true healing can begin.
"i have to sink my face into someone else's heart to heal my own."
hahaha, so here's a new song i'm working on. this clip is like 15 seconds long and it's just part of the intro, but i've always wanted to get into using sound clips from movies in my songs, and this is my first try.
so here it is. evan, you might appreciate it most.


just right click and open it in a new window. it's not worth downloading.

lawlz. leave commentZ.
maybe that was a little much,
but funny story, i felt exactly like i used to feel with mel.
not when we would get in the screaming arguements,
but the part before that when i tried to hold it all in, so i wouldn't scream.
everything's fucked, good job m8.
i need to put a practice together asap.
i forgot the side affect of sitting in my house alone until i start to literally lose my mind,
and that is:
piles and piles of the best music i could ever write.
i'm sitting on 3 new < songs and at least 4 other ones.
hooray for self induced insanity, it's awesome.
"that self pity shit is just too hard to resist"

Feb. 9th, 2007

i've never been so ok with the thought of suicide. i don't even fight it anymore. when those thoughts creep into my mind i used to stop them immediately, or at least put up a fight, but i've accepted it. i've lost all of my friends, i haven't seen any of you in upwards of two weeks. i'm in debt up to my eyes, and i have no forseeable way of ever relieving that. i have been fighting with my all to have someone that i can just fucking say i love you to before i go to sleep, and have them say it back. obviously the path i've chosen for that is just about fruitless. nothing in my life is ok, or even at least tolerable. my relationship with my parents and sister is ridiculously non-existant. i can't even afford to drive to livonia and back once a day. and when i do have money, i generally have to make the choice between feeding my nicotine addiction or seeing jenny. i can't stand this. i can't stand any of you, and most of all i can't stand myself. i shouldn't be living this life, someone else would be able to do it alot better. i hate the fact that to even see jenny, i have to drive out there. i'm fucking sick of it, and it's not fair to me at all. i hate myself for ruining something that was perfect last summer. i had the support and love i needed and i let my jealousy and general insanity get the best of me. i'm just done. i'm not making any effort anymore. i don't have time. if i'm ever going to fix things in my life i need to start with non-relationship based things, and thats not limited to jenny. (i have to use her name every time i refer to her because i'm not comfortable referring to her as my girlfriend, nor will i ever be.) this is just it. either i'm physically gone, or i'm not going to be around in any fashion for other people while i get my life back on track.

Feb. 9th, 2007

i forgot how beautiful dillinger escape plan is.
they're amazing.
i hate people who are ridiculously upbeat, it sickens me

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December 2007
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